56 weeks since starting HRT. I have felt amazing this week. I think back to pre-transition, and how my life was a cycle of periods of blandness then depression. Now it is periods of feeling really good then depression. Strangely enough, since I know what it feels like to feel really happy and content, it seems to make the depression cycles that much worse. I have a good grasp on the anxiety now after working on it with therapy for the last year, now I have shifted my focus towards the depression side. I would like really like to feel like I did this week all of the time! There was not really anything special, just work and school and friends. But I felt amazing, and I was able to catch up on many of the tasks that I had backed up from the bad week. It would be great to not get laid up for days again, I hate the constant cycle of getting backed up, then having to catch back up. I would love to just maintain. I see this as highly possible to accomplish just based on the strides I have made so far with regards to my mental health.
After a few months of changing my presentation styles, I have found that I am most comfortable dressing in jeans, button up shirt, and hiking shoes. Out of all of the new styles and ways to express myself that are now open to me, I have settled on dressing the same as I did prior to transition! WEIRD! It is a little bit different, women's cuts of clothing fit better now so that is what I go with. But the style is still pretty similar. I realize that my expression was still true to myself before transition, I really wasn't holding much back. I also don't feel any different either, I am just happier with the way I look and more comfortable around other people.
The biggest changes have been social. As I straddle the line between the sexes, I am finding a few of the generalizations between socialized men and women to be fairly accurate. I want to emphasize the word GENERALIZATIONS, because the stereotypes definitely do not apply to everyone. One big thing was the idea of men having physical affection towards other men. I started to be exposed to this in the Navy, it was not uncommon to give hugs to the guys or give each other backrubs. There was nothing "gay" about it, it just felt good. There really is something powerful in the human touch that can have a serious effect on your mood. Anyways, when I would hang out with non-Navy friends, we didn't have that physical affection. The most we would be close to one another was a handshake-half hug. It is sad to think how many men are uncomfortable with this, and how uncomfortable I used to be as well. I love getting a hug, a back rub, or even just a touch on the shoulder. My mood can literally shift from negative to positive just from one of these simple acts. I do see this changing as it becomes more socially acceptable for men to show physical affection for one another, and I look forward to the day when everyone realizes the value of another person's touch.
Another big realization that has come about more recently is the idea of compliments. I find women to be very free and open with giving compliments, and men to be more reserved or wary in the same regard. This took me a looooong time to figure out, because I always viewed compliments as having some sort of hidden agenda behind them, rather than as the nice words from the other person. As I have learned to accept compliments at face value, it makes me feel really good. It also feels really good to give another person a compliment. Just seeing the joy on a person's face from having something recognized that they put effort into is amazing. Again, this is a GENERALIZATION, but I have found women more open and receptive to receiving and giving compliments than men. Women usually smile and say thank you or give another compliment. Men, at most, give a surprised look and say "thanks". Again, this is totally a generalization, but it has become apparent enough to take notice. I find myself enjoying the idea of compliments so much, I like to go overboard and give them out constantly. And people I surround myself with are very receptive and enjoy it. What I really like about it is that it gives me the opportunity to really be more aware of the world and other people around me. Just noticing something special about another person and pointing it out is so simple, but I think we get so caught up in our own shit we fail to recognize what is around us.
My life is at a pretty good place right now. I love my job. School is time consuming, but I can work at it on my own schedule which makes it more enjoyable. Transition seems to have hit a stagnant period, I have not noticed any new physical changes in a while. Facial hair is still a problem for me, and I may start electrolysis again sooner than I would have liked. My diet has been getting better, I eat a little more regularly and my appetite is slowly returning. I still get tired quite a bit, I just don't seem to have as much energy as I used to, but I am starting to get used to this and not overwhelming myself constantly. My running has been tough, dealing with the hydration problems and having trouble maintaining consistency. I have my surgery in a couple weeks and I will have to take a break, but it should help with the hydration problem significantly to have this done and over with. That's about it for now, more to come next week!
After a few months of changing my presentation styles, I have found that I am most comfortable dressing in jeans, button up shirt, and hiking shoes. Out of all of the new styles and ways to express myself that are now open to me, I have settled on dressing the same as I did prior to transition! WEIRD! It is a little bit different, women's cuts of clothing fit better now so that is what I go with. But the style is still pretty similar. I realize that my expression was still true to myself before transition, I really wasn't holding much back. I also don't feel any different either, I am just happier with the way I look and more comfortable around other people.
The biggest changes have been social. As I straddle the line between the sexes, I am finding a few of the generalizations between socialized men and women to be fairly accurate. I want to emphasize the word GENERALIZATIONS, because the stereotypes definitely do not apply to everyone. One big thing was the idea of men having physical affection towards other men. I started to be exposed to this in the Navy, it was not uncommon to give hugs to the guys or give each other backrubs. There was nothing "gay" about it, it just felt good. There really is something powerful in the human touch that can have a serious effect on your mood. Anyways, when I would hang out with non-Navy friends, we didn't have that physical affection. The most we would be close to one another was a handshake-half hug. It is sad to think how many men are uncomfortable with this, and how uncomfortable I used to be as well. I love getting a hug, a back rub, or even just a touch on the shoulder. My mood can literally shift from negative to positive just from one of these simple acts. I do see this changing as it becomes more socially acceptable for men to show physical affection for one another, and I look forward to the day when everyone realizes the value of another person's touch.
Another big realization that has come about more recently is the idea of compliments. I find women to be very free and open with giving compliments, and men to be more reserved or wary in the same regard. This took me a looooong time to figure out, because I always viewed compliments as having some sort of hidden agenda behind them, rather than as the nice words from the other person. As I have learned to accept compliments at face value, it makes me feel really good. It also feels really good to give another person a compliment. Just seeing the joy on a person's face from having something recognized that they put effort into is amazing. Again, this is a GENERALIZATION, but I have found women more open and receptive to receiving and giving compliments than men. Women usually smile and say thank you or give another compliment. Men, at most, give a surprised look and say "thanks". Again, this is totally a generalization, but it has become apparent enough to take notice. I find myself enjoying the idea of compliments so much, I like to go overboard and give them out constantly. And people I surround myself with are very receptive and enjoy it. What I really like about it is that it gives me the opportunity to really be more aware of the world and other people around me. Just noticing something special about another person and pointing it out is so simple, but I think we get so caught up in our own shit we fail to recognize what is around us.
My life is at a pretty good place right now. I love my job. School is time consuming, but I can work at it on my own schedule which makes it more enjoyable. Transition seems to have hit a stagnant period, I have not noticed any new physical changes in a while. Facial hair is still a problem for me, and I may start electrolysis again sooner than I would have liked. My diet has been getting better, I eat a little more regularly and my appetite is slowly returning. I still get tired quite a bit, I just don't seem to have as much energy as I used to, but I am starting to get used to this and not overwhelming myself constantly. My running has been tough, dealing with the hydration problems and having trouble maintaining consistency. I have my surgery in a couple weeks and I will have to take a break, but it should help with the hydration problem significantly to have this done and over with. That's about it for now, more to come next week!