59 weeks since starting HRT. I finished my first UofP class this week with an A, about 2 more years to go lol. I finally went in to change my driver's license, so I should receive that in the mail in a couple weeks. The picture above is from that day, I felt like I had a lot of makeup on, but feedback from other people said it looked great. I dunno, I am not a huge fan of lots of makeup. I do like my eyebrows though!
So as my hair has been growing, it is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I never really like it much, it takes a long time to take care of, and it always gets in the way of things. Not only that, but it has been growing so slow that I feel like it will never be long enough to do anything with. So I decided that my next hairstylist appointment I am going for a new hairstyle. Shaved sides and back, but the top stays long. For a while now my hairstylist has been saying that I should keep my hair short and if I want a different hairstyle I can just wear a wig. I think he is on to something, so I will give it a shot. I see him in a couple weeks, and I will be sure to take a picture! This will be a much better hairstyle if I feel like dressing more androgynous, which I tend to feel most comfortable a majority of the time.
So for a long time I have been really easy going on the use of pronouns when referring to me. I realize that for friends and family, they are used to referring to me a specific way and it is habitual. At this point I feel that it is important that I am more forceful in correcting people who refer to me by my old name or with male pronouns. This is extremely difficult to do, because these are people that I do love and respect. So I thought it might be useful to describe how I feel specifically when I hear the wrong name or pronouns used, and why it is very important to me that my friends and family try to be more mindful of how they refer to me.
My whole life I have been told I am a boy. Everyone referred to me as a boy, and I tried to live up to those expectations because so many sources implied that my feelings were wrong. The laughter at men displaying feminine qualities, the hateful rhetoric from religious leaders and politicians, and the expectation that I should not be such a pussy or a sissy. So I pretended to be a boy, and finally couldn't do it anymore. I risked everything that I held dear because I could not hold back who I was anymore. Trans people historically have lost their families, their jobs, and have been overall shunned by society when they have come out. I am fortunate that this was not the case for me. I started taking medication which has changed my appearance so that people stop referring to me as a boy. I am in the process of changing all of my legal documentation to reflect that I am female. Whenever I hear someone refer to me with male pronouns (He, Him, His), it drains my confidence. It makes me question myself and everything I am doing. It makes me feel like no matter what I do, I will never be who I think I am. It makes me focus on my physical aspects that would drive someone to refer to me in that way. This creates extreme dysphoria, because the typical masculine traits that I can only change by extremely invasive surgeries at this point in my life become very apparent. Being around friends and family, I want to be in a safe space where I can be comfortable with myself, and vice versa. But I hear every slip-up. And these effects happen every single time. I can handle it a few times, no problem. But each time I hear it, it builds upon the last time I heard it. This continues until I am drained of energy from trying to stay positive about myself against the onslaught of negative thoughts forcing their way into my mind.
So as my hair has been growing, it is becoming a huge pain in the ass. I never really like it much, it takes a long time to take care of, and it always gets in the way of things. Not only that, but it has been growing so slow that I feel like it will never be long enough to do anything with. So I decided that my next hairstylist appointment I am going for a new hairstyle. Shaved sides and back, but the top stays long. For a while now my hairstylist has been saying that I should keep my hair short and if I want a different hairstyle I can just wear a wig. I think he is on to something, so I will give it a shot. I see him in a couple weeks, and I will be sure to take a picture! This will be a much better hairstyle if I feel like dressing more androgynous, which I tend to feel most comfortable a majority of the time.
So for a long time I have been really easy going on the use of pronouns when referring to me. I realize that for friends and family, they are used to referring to me a specific way and it is habitual. At this point I feel that it is important that I am more forceful in correcting people who refer to me by my old name or with male pronouns. This is extremely difficult to do, because these are people that I do love and respect. So I thought it might be useful to describe how I feel specifically when I hear the wrong name or pronouns used, and why it is very important to me that my friends and family try to be more mindful of how they refer to me.
My whole life I have been told I am a boy. Everyone referred to me as a boy, and I tried to live up to those expectations because so many sources implied that my feelings were wrong. The laughter at men displaying feminine qualities, the hateful rhetoric from religious leaders and politicians, and the expectation that I should not be such a pussy or a sissy. So I pretended to be a boy, and finally couldn't do it anymore. I risked everything that I held dear because I could not hold back who I was anymore. Trans people historically have lost their families, their jobs, and have been overall shunned by society when they have come out. I am fortunate that this was not the case for me. I started taking medication which has changed my appearance so that people stop referring to me as a boy. I am in the process of changing all of my legal documentation to reflect that I am female. Whenever I hear someone refer to me with male pronouns (He, Him, His), it drains my confidence. It makes me question myself and everything I am doing. It makes me feel like no matter what I do, I will never be who I think I am. It makes me focus on my physical aspects that would drive someone to refer to me in that way. This creates extreme dysphoria, because the typical masculine traits that I can only change by extremely invasive surgeries at this point in my life become very apparent. Being around friends and family, I want to be in a safe space where I can be comfortable with myself, and vice versa. But I hear every slip-up. And these effects happen every single time. I can handle it a few times, no problem. But each time I hear it, it builds upon the last time I heard it. This continues until I am drained of energy from trying to stay positive about myself against the onslaught of negative thoughts forcing their way into my mind.