This morning I woke up and was a little heartbroken, because I had planned to go running but I still have to wait. My doc cleared me to start pushing myself physically starting yesterday. I gave it a shot, but had intense pain so I had to stop. This morning I made a pot of coffee, then had this weird urge to do this thing that I have been meaning to do for months now but just have never found the motivation to do. It was like this inner voice urging me to do this thing, so I went and did it. This task took me about 10 minutes, and I thought about why I would wait so many months to do something so simple. No drive, no motivation. Everything I did seemed so forced, and every task I accomplished throughout the day took so much energy to FORCE myself to do it. This particular situation was unique, because I did not force myself to do it. I just had an urge to get it done, which I did, then felt good about it.
Where did this spark come from? I have been researching for a while dopamine's effect on the brain (mostly due to the consideration to take anti-depressants). It was once believed that dopamine levels determined how motivated you were; high levels correlated to high motivation. Researchers are now finding out that it is not the overall levels of dopamine, but where the highest levels of dopamine exist in the brain, that determines motivation. High levels of dopamine in one area could lead to low motivation. Fascinating! So it isn't so much the levels of dopamine present, but the pathway for where the dopamine goes that determines motivation! There is obviously much more detail that goes into this explanation, but I just wanted to give a very basic overview of what I have learned.
Why is this important? I have had very little motivation for months now. This probably started when I first started the Lupron injections last year. Just like all medication, it had a trade-off that I am now understanding: Eliminate the dysphoria, but in return I would have no motivation. My guess was that the anti-androgen medication I have been taking has shifted this dopamine pathway. This has bothered me for some time now, as I have been showing symptoms of depression. I have never felt this way for such an extended period of time, it always happened in cycles that at the most were a couple of weeks. Was the trade-off worth it? Yes, because I finally have the ability to love myself and I no longer have suicidal urges. If I have to spend a majority of my time sitting around accomplishing nothing, then so be it. At least I don't hate myself. And I do find that I am able to get a small amount of things done on a daily basis: go to work, do laundry, feed the cat, take a shower, and other various daily tasks that should happen without really thinking about. These things do take an unusual amount of energy to accomplish though, and I have nothing left in my energy reserves to do other things. I had the idea that some of the medications I am taking could be causing this constant lack of motivation, which was a big motivating factor to have this surgery and stop the medications. Again though, there was a trade-off.
Last week I finally felt comfortable to feel around the surgery area and see the difference. The swelling had decreased enough to the point I now felt that my testes were gone, just the empty sack remained. And an unexpected emotion surged up: a sense of loss. I never hated my genitals. This has been tremendously confusing because so many trans people do have genital dysphoria. I didn't hate my penis and testicles, but I still felt that I was female. I now understand that this confusion stemmed from society's idea that a penis makes a boy, and a vagina makes a girl. I am a girl, I just happen to have a penis (I like to call it my girl cock!). I could have kept them intact, but I would have had to continue with the intense medication routine. It was a trade-off, and it sucks. I had to give up a part of myself to be healthy, and it feels extremely unfair. This is so difficult to write about, I am crying as I type. Not really a big surprise, everything seems to make me cry nowadays haha. I remember having my wisdom teeth removed as a kid, and wondering why. Why would our bodies make something that is detrimental to us? It doesn't seem to make sense, but it is reality and the best we can do is manage it in the best way possible.
Do I regret having this surgery? No... not yet at least. I think it is still too early to tell. What I do know as fact is that I would have had to continue taking the medications forever, and the surgery allowed me to stop. The trade-off. This spark of motivation may be the start of a trend, where I have motivation to accomplish tasks and do things that I have struggled to do for a while now. This spark is overwhelmingly exciting, because if it continues it will mean that my transition goals will have been accomplished. No more dysphoria, no more depression, and anxiety at a manageable level. It may take time for the chemical pathways in the brain to normalize, but I am excited to see the difference over the next few months. This motivational spark started this excitement. If this goal is accomplished, I will have been right all along! All of my doubts will have been unfounded. My fear and uncertainty will have been unfounded. My intuition will have proven to be right, just as it has always been in the past. Girl or boy, who fucking cares as long as I am happy. And I think I am soon going to find out if that is the case...
Where did this spark come from? I have been researching for a while dopamine's effect on the brain (mostly due to the consideration to take anti-depressants). It was once believed that dopamine levels determined how motivated you were; high levels correlated to high motivation. Researchers are now finding out that it is not the overall levels of dopamine, but where the highest levels of dopamine exist in the brain, that determines motivation. High levels of dopamine in one area could lead to low motivation. Fascinating! So it isn't so much the levels of dopamine present, but the pathway for where the dopamine goes that determines motivation! There is obviously much more detail that goes into this explanation, but I just wanted to give a very basic overview of what I have learned.
Why is this important? I have had very little motivation for months now. This probably started when I first started the Lupron injections last year. Just like all medication, it had a trade-off that I am now understanding: Eliminate the dysphoria, but in return I would have no motivation. My guess was that the anti-androgen medication I have been taking has shifted this dopamine pathway. This has bothered me for some time now, as I have been showing symptoms of depression. I have never felt this way for such an extended period of time, it always happened in cycles that at the most were a couple of weeks. Was the trade-off worth it? Yes, because I finally have the ability to love myself and I no longer have suicidal urges. If I have to spend a majority of my time sitting around accomplishing nothing, then so be it. At least I don't hate myself. And I do find that I am able to get a small amount of things done on a daily basis: go to work, do laundry, feed the cat, take a shower, and other various daily tasks that should happen without really thinking about. These things do take an unusual amount of energy to accomplish though, and I have nothing left in my energy reserves to do other things. I had the idea that some of the medications I am taking could be causing this constant lack of motivation, which was a big motivating factor to have this surgery and stop the medications. Again though, there was a trade-off.
Last week I finally felt comfortable to feel around the surgery area and see the difference. The swelling had decreased enough to the point I now felt that my testes were gone, just the empty sack remained. And an unexpected emotion surged up: a sense of loss. I never hated my genitals. This has been tremendously confusing because so many trans people do have genital dysphoria. I didn't hate my penis and testicles, but I still felt that I was female. I now understand that this confusion stemmed from society's idea that a penis makes a boy, and a vagina makes a girl. I am a girl, I just happen to have a penis (I like to call it my girl cock!). I could have kept them intact, but I would have had to continue with the intense medication routine. It was a trade-off, and it sucks. I had to give up a part of myself to be healthy, and it feels extremely unfair. This is so difficult to write about, I am crying as I type. Not really a big surprise, everything seems to make me cry nowadays haha. I remember having my wisdom teeth removed as a kid, and wondering why. Why would our bodies make something that is detrimental to us? It doesn't seem to make sense, but it is reality and the best we can do is manage it in the best way possible.
Do I regret having this surgery? No... not yet at least. I think it is still too early to tell. What I do know as fact is that I would have had to continue taking the medications forever, and the surgery allowed me to stop. The trade-off. This spark of motivation may be the start of a trend, where I have motivation to accomplish tasks and do things that I have struggled to do for a while now. This spark is overwhelmingly exciting, because if it continues it will mean that my transition goals will have been accomplished. No more dysphoria, no more depression, and anxiety at a manageable level. It may take time for the chemical pathways in the brain to normalize, but I am excited to see the difference over the next few months. This motivational spark started this excitement. If this goal is accomplished, I will have been right all along! All of my doubts will have been unfounded. My fear and uncertainty will have been unfounded. My intuition will have proven to be right, just as it has always been in the past. Girl or boy, who fucking cares as long as I am happy. And I think I am soon going to find out if that is the case...