60 weeks since starting HRT. I have accomplished the 3 major legal changes; court ordered name and gender change, social security, and driver's license. I have also had the surgery I needed. Each of these things required a lot of holes to jump through. A major portion of these holes was the idea that I had to convince people I was "female" enough to do all of these things. The reason for this was that I needed various letters and forms written to basically say that I am "female" enough from doctors and therapists. I felt a need to present very "feminine" when visiting the various agencies so that my forms would be accepted. A lot of this transition process has felt like so much proving to others that I am what I say I am. This is bullshit.
I once bought into this crap as well. I felt like I needed makeup, dresses, high heels, the proper booty shake and way of walking, long hair, "feminine" mannerisms, and high pitch voice in order to be a woman. As I have progressed, I continually asked myself what those words in quotations above actually mean. The more I questioned, the more confused I became. I wrote a post a while back about differences between men and women, male and female. There are no differences. So then the question becomes what is the difference between masculine and feminine? The dictionary defines masculinity as "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men". The dictionary defines femininity as "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women." You look at those two definitions, and a few words stand out: TRADITIONALLY ASSOCIATED WITH. Where does the tradition come from? How we are brought up. How we are socialized. How society tells us we are supposed to be. So femininity and masculinity are societal constructs and have no biological basis whatsoever.
Why is this important? Because I don't have any reason to convince anybody of anything now. And it is a really cool feeling to finally have the freedom to express myself however I want. There used to be this desire to be recognized as female. So many people, cis and trans, go through extreme effort to be seen a certain way. Why? Because society tells you to. Men and women both. You never get to just fully be yourself, because you are always conforming to some sort of standard. And any trait you possess that does not conform to that standard is viewed with displeasure by society. You are told you are weak, ugly, sissy, insane, dorky, gross, pathetic, lazy, and so on. You are judged by others on how well you conform to some ideal standard of what a man or a woman should look like. The media perpetuates this shit, showing a bunch of people who all look and act the same. There is no diversity, no uniqueness. You either meet the ideal, or you suck. Fuck that. Nobody tells me who or what I am. Only I am allowed to tell you who or what I am. That is for me to decide, and nobody else. Same with you, and every other person on this planet. What I have learned is that even if I decide to not shave, wear baggy cargo shorts and a t-shirt, and cut my hair short, I am still a woman. Because I say I am a woman. There is no standard, it is for me to decide. And I also get to decide how I express my womanhood. I don't want to wear a dress or wear makeup. Not my thing. Some people like it, and that's cool. I like it sometimes too. Most of the time I don't, and I don't intend to do so if I don't want to. It does not make me any less of a woman. There is no reason a man or a woman can't do anything they want. You get to choose who you are.
As of right now, when you are born, you are told what you are. You have no choice in the matter. It's a boy! It's a girl! This defines the rest of your life. What if that determination wasn't made at that point? What if they just said "It's a child!"? Then you would do whatever the fuck you wanted. You would dress and act however you wanted. So long as you had love and acceptance, you would choose who you are. You would be in control. Instead, we give up that control, that autonomy over our own lives. We live under that standard our entire lives, fitting into a neat little box, and giving up who we really are in the process. That is exactly what I did, and I am deciding not to do it any longer.
I had to pick one because society still requires this little box. I chose female. This has little meaning to me except that it determines how I will need to "conform" at certain times in my life. If I travel to a place that is extremely violent towards the lgbt community, I will choose to conform for my own safety. If I have a job interview, I will choose to conform to a societal standard to increase my chances of being hired. There is so much judgement in the world based on appearance, that you never really get to know about the person BEHIND the appearance. And that really sucks. As I shed the layers of socialization away, I am starting to find myself and it feels great. It is awesome to just stop caring about what other people think of me, and just be myself.
If you look at gender with regards to evolution, it definitely served a purpose. We needed to have gender labels to help identify mating partners for reproductive purposes. We needed to pick the best genes to pass on to offspring to ensure the best chances for survival. As over-populated as the planet is now, we really don't need that anymore. We have progressed to a point where gender labels no longer need to exist. Hell, science has even found a way to produce a child from two sperm! We have the ability to change our environment to suit our needs. We have the ability to ensure that a person with a perceived disadvantage due to genetics can live a fulfilling, happy life. Gender is irrelevant. Instead of identifying each other by a gender label, or any other label for that matter, what if we just looked at the unique individual behind the layers of skin and muscle and bone? How much different would our society be?
This is a long rant obviously, but something I have been thinking a lot about for a while now. It makes me very curious because I don't really feel like I fit any specific mold of how I am supposed to be. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I can't really fit myself into any particular label. I am uniquely me. I have a unique appearance, unique interests, unique traits, unique beliefs, and unique skills. Just like every other person on this planet. None of us are exactly alike. So why the need to label ourselves?
I can't wait to start running again, I think I am losing my mind to boredom!
I once bought into this crap as well. I felt like I needed makeup, dresses, high heels, the proper booty shake and way of walking, long hair, "feminine" mannerisms, and high pitch voice in order to be a woman. As I have progressed, I continually asked myself what those words in quotations above actually mean. The more I questioned, the more confused I became. I wrote a post a while back about differences between men and women, male and female. There are no differences. So then the question becomes what is the difference between masculine and feminine? The dictionary defines masculinity as "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with men". The dictionary defines femininity as "having qualities or appearance traditionally associated with women." You look at those two definitions, and a few words stand out: TRADITIONALLY ASSOCIATED WITH. Where does the tradition come from? How we are brought up. How we are socialized. How society tells us we are supposed to be. So femininity and masculinity are societal constructs and have no biological basis whatsoever.
Why is this important? Because I don't have any reason to convince anybody of anything now. And it is a really cool feeling to finally have the freedom to express myself however I want. There used to be this desire to be recognized as female. So many people, cis and trans, go through extreme effort to be seen a certain way. Why? Because society tells you to. Men and women both. You never get to just fully be yourself, because you are always conforming to some sort of standard. And any trait you possess that does not conform to that standard is viewed with displeasure by society. You are told you are weak, ugly, sissy, insane, dorky, gross, pathetic, lazy, and so on. You are judged by others on how well you conform to some ideal standard of what a man or a woman should look like. The media perpetuates this shit, showing a bunch of people who all look and act the same. There is no diversity, no uniqueness. You either meet the ideal, or you suck. Fuck that. Nobody tells me who or what I am. Only I am allowed to tell you who or what I am. That is for me to decide, and nobody else. Same with you, and every other person on this planet. What I have learned is that even if I decide to not shave, wear baggy cargo shorts and a t-shirt, and cut my hair short, I am still a woman. Because I say I am a woman. There is no standard, it is for me to decide. And I also get to decide how I express my womanhood. I don't want to wear a dress or wear makeup. Not my thing. Some people like it, and that's cool. I like it sometimes too. Most of the time I don't, and I don't intend to do so if I don't want to. It does not make me any less of a woman. There is no reason a man or a woman can't do anything they want. You get to choose who you are.
As of right now, when you are born, you are told what you are. You have no choice in the matter. It's a boy! It's a girl! This defines the rest of your life. What if that determination wasn't made at that point? What if they just said "It's a child!"? Then you would do whatever the fuck you wanted. You would dress and act however you wanted. So long as you had love and acceptance, you would choose who you are. You would be in control. Instead, we give up that control, that autonomy over our own lives. We live under that standard our entire lives, fitting into a neat little box, and giving up who we really are in the process. That is exactly what I did, and I am deciding not to do it any longer.
I had to pick one because society still requires this little box. I chose female. This has little meaning to me except that it determines how I will need to "conform" at certain times in my life. If I travel to a place that is extremely violent towards the lgbt community, I will choose to conform for my own safety. If I have a job interview, I will choose to conform to a societal standard to increase my chances of being hired. There is so much judgement in the world based on appearance, that you never really get to know about the person BEHIND the appearance. And that really sucks. As I shed the layers of socialization away, I am starting to find myself and it feels great. It is awesome to just stop caring about what other people think of me, and just be myself.
If you look at gender with regards to evolution, it definitely served a purpose. We needed to have gender labels to help identify mating partners for reproductive purposes. We needed to pick the best genes to pass on to offspring to ensure the best chances for survival. As over-populated as the planet is now, we really don't need that anymore. We have progressed to a point where gender labels no longer need to exist. Hell, science has even found a way to produce a child from two sperm! We have the ability to change our environment to suit our needs. We have the ability to ensure that a person with a perceived disadvantage due to genetics can live a fulfilling, happy life. Gender is irrelevant. Instead of identifying each other by a gender label, or any other label for that matter, what if we just looked at the unique individual behind the layers of skin and muscle and bone? How much different would our society be?
This is a long rant obviously, but something I have been thinking a lot about for a while now. It makes me very curious because I don't really feel like I fit any specific mold of how I am supposed to be. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I can't really fit myself into any particular label. I am uniquely me. I have a unique appearance, unique interests, unique traits, unique beliefs, and unique skills. Just like every other person on this planet. None of us are exactly alike. So why the need to label ourselves?
I can't wait to start running again, I think I am losing my mind to boredom!