62 weeks since starting HRT. Dysphoria gone, check in the box. I have not noticed any issues with regards to my appearance for a long time. Facial hair is still annoying, but that is really all it is. I went to see my endo yesterday, and my testosterone levels are undetectable now. Oddly enough, the cocktail of medications could not bring it down to that level. My estrogen levels were not back yet, but there is a good chance I will be able to reduce my dose, ideally in half. For the most part everything has been going as well as I could have hoped for! One catch though, I had a bad depressive spell earlier in the week. I was hoping that the medications may have been the cause, but I now realize that I just have really bad anxiety independent of my gender issues. As I have accepted this, I am able to see how this has affected me most of my life. At least I don't have gender dysphoria anymore, and now I can focus more on managing my anxiety better.
Something big happened on Monday. Attorney General Loretta Lynch gave a speech regarding the HB2 legislation in North Carolina, explaining how it violates federal law. In her speech, she recognized trans people as people, and reinforced the fact that our government will strive to protect us going forward. This was such a big deal to me, knowing that our lawmakers have our best interests at heart. With all of the Anti-LGBT legislation being pushed across the nation, it is such an amazing feeling to know that my identity is recognized as a protected class. This is not the end though, as the passage of the Civil Rights Act has shown. It will take a long time for society as a whole to fully hop on board and for true equality to be attained. There are so many barriers to equality, and a major reason is socialization. You can find these barriers by the simple act of just asking "Why?".
Why are people uncomfortable using a restroom with someone having different genitals? Fear of sexual assault. Why are we so scared of being sexually assaulted? There are people out there that do prey on women and children. Why do they do that? Objectification of women. The idea that women are objects placed here to satisfy a man's sexual urges. The idea that control and power over another human being gives a sense of fulfillment. Why? Socialization. Every outside influence that shapes our view of the world. The media and the people we surround ourselves with have a huge influence on our perceptions of the world. This is socialization, and we can change it.
So what do we do to change it? This is the tough part. We can either embrace the fear and accept it as just something we have to deal with, and adjust to life living with that fear. For many this seems to be the only option. It isn't though, there is another choice that is left to us. Dismantle the societal causes of the fear in the first place. Adjusting speech is a great start. Words have a lot of power. Calling a man a "sissy" is a good example. This lends itself to the idea that any sort of trait that would be considered "feminine" in nature is looked down upon when attributed to men. Every one of us has the power to change this idea, by stopping this language ourselves and calling people out who use language in this way. This is just one example, there are so many examples of speech that are harmful. But they can all be changed! And it starts with you!
I will admit, this is difficult. It is so much easier to just go along with everyone else and laugh at the "sissy". This only accomplishes furthering the notion that "feminine" traits in men are bad. If we apply this same notion to the bathrooms, we further condemn ourselves to be slaves to the fear by saying "The possibility exists that a man could dress as a woman to prey on women and children in the bathroom". This advances the fear. Instead of realizing that some people may not conform to your own ideas of gender but still need to use the bathroom, you embrace your fear and expect society to conform to your fears. This eliminates the option of asking "Why?". Why would a man dress as a woman to prey on women and children in the bathroom? This is when the answer becomes clear: rape culture. And this rape culture is perpetuated by language. "She shouldn't dress that way, she is asking for it." That is victim blaming. This shifts the cause of the crime to the victim, rather than the person committing the crime. This causes people who are victims of sexual assault to not seek help, because they would be made to feel like they are the cause. This should cause folks to become outraged, unfortunately this is not the case. Because we are taught to conform to the fear. We can challenge this idea by changing our speech.
Awareness of speech is difficult at first. Many of us speak without thinking about what impact our words may have. I don't believe most people are malicious in their speech, they are just unaware of the impact. It does take work to realize the impact, especially if nobody is calling you out on your hurtful speech. I am by no means perfect, nor do I have all of the answers. What I do know is that I do not like causing harm to other people, and that I do not like living in fear in any sort of way. Anytime fear rises within me, I ask myself "Why?". Then with research I can find out the speech patterns that are socialized within me and become habitual. I can start to speak in a way that does not perpetuate the fear. Eventually this new speech pattern becomes the new habit, and I have eliminated the harmful speech within myself. Does this eliminate my fear? No, I still have fear. The damage has been done to me. But I can prevent this fear from occurring in future generations. If children are not exposed to these hurtful speech patterns, they will not have to live in fear like I have. In effect, I am influencing lives by changing my own speech patterns. I am literally changing the world by making small changes in how I speak. This is a mind-blowing revelation! Imagine if everyone had this same realization? Imagine what the world might be like 60 years from now if every one of us right now started changing the way we talk. Our great grandchildren could live in world free from fears of discrimination. They could totally just be themselves at all times. The diversity and ideas brought forward by humanity would be truly amazing. What a cool idea!
It is sad to think that I may never see that day. The work I have put into myself over the last couple years has been tremendous, and shedding these layers of socialization has required a lot of self reflection and questioning long held beliefs. It is not easy. It takes a lot of work and a lot of time. You know what makes it all worth it? Seeing young people today. They just get it. They don't have the same fears that I have. They embrace themselves and everyone around them. This makes all of my work worth it. I would hate to be the one that prevents a young person from fully embracing who they are because of MY fears. Society is headed in the right direction, and I would like to contribute to that forward momentum. And it all starts by asking "Why?".
Something big happened on Monday. Attorney General Loretta Lynch gave a speech regarding the HB2 legislation in North Carolina, explaining how it violates federal law. In her speech, she recognized trans people as people, and reinforced the fact that our government will strive to protect us going forward. This was such a big deal to me, knowing that our lawmakers have our best interests at heart. With all of the Anti-LGBT legislation being pushed across the nation, it is such an amazing feeling to know that my identity is recognized as a protected class. This is not the end though, as the passage of the Civil Rights Act has shown. It will take a long time for society as a whole to fully hop on board and for true equality to be attained. There are so many barriers to equality, and a major reason is socialization. You can find these barriers by the simple act of just asking "Why?".
Why are people uncomfortable using a restroom with someone having different genitals? Fear of sexual assault. Why are we so scared of being sexually assaulted? There are people out there that do prey on women and children. Why do they do that? Objectification of women. The idea that women are objects placed here to satisfy a man's sexual urges. The idea that control and power over another human being gives a sense of fulfillment. Why? Socialization. Every outside influence that shapes our view of the world. The media and the people we surround ourselves with have a huge influence on our perceptions of the world. This is socialization, and we can change it.
So what do we do to change it? This is the tough part. We can either embrace the fear and accept it as just something we have to deal with, and adjust to life living with that fear. For many this seems to be the only option. It isn't though, there is another choice that is left to us. Dismantle the societal causes of the fear in the first place. Adjusting speech is a great start. Words have a lot of power. Calling a man a "sissy" is a good example. This lends itself to the idea that any sort of trait that would be considered "feminine" in nature is looked down upon when attributed to men. Every one of us has the power to change this idea, by stopping this language ourselves and calling people out who use language in this way. This is just one example, there are so many examples of speech that are harmful. But they can all be changed! And it starts with you!
I will admit, this is difficult. It is so much easier to just go along with everyone else and laugh at the "sissy". This only accomplishes furthering the notion that "feminine" traits in men are bad. If we apply this same notion to the bathrooms, we further condemn ourselves to be slaves to the fear by saying "The possibility exists that a man could dress as a woman to prey on women and children in the bathroom". This advances the fear. Instead of realizing that some people may not conform to your own ideas of gender but still need to use the bathroom, you embrace your fear and expect society to conform to your fears. This eliminates the option of asking "Why?". Why would a man dress as a woman to prey on women and children in the bathroom? This is when the answer becomes clear: rape culture. And this rape culture is perpetuated by language. "She shouldn't dress that way, she is asking for it." That is victim blaming. This shifts the cause of the crime to the victim, rather than the person committing the crime. This causes people who are victims of sexual assault to not seek help, because they would be made to feel like they are the cause. This should cause folks to become outraged, unfortunately this is not the case. Because we are taught to conform to the fear. We can challenge this idea by changing our speech.
Awareness of speech is difficult at first. Many of us speak without thinking about what impact our words may have. I don't believe most people are malicious in their speech, they are just unaware of the impact. It does take work to realize the impact, especially if nobody is calling you out on your hurtful speech. I am by no means perfect, nor do I have all of the answers. What I do know is that I do not like causing harm to other people, and that I do not like living in fear in any sort of way. Anytime fear rises within me, I ask myself "Why?". Then with research I can find out the speech patterns that are socialized within me and become habitual. I can start to speak in a way that does not perpetuate the fear. Eventually this new speech pattern becomes the new habit, and I have eliminated the harmful speech within myself. Does this eliminate my fear? No, I still have fear. The damage has been done to me. But I can prevent this fear from occurring in future generations. If children are not exposed to these hurtful speech patterns, they will not have to live in fear like I have. In effect, I am influencing lives by changing my own speech patterns. I am literally changing the world by making small changes in how I speak. This is a mind-blowing revelation! Imagine if everyone had this same realization? Imagine what the world might be like 60 years from now if every one of us right now started changing the way we talk. Our great grandchildren could live in world free from fears of discrimination. They could totally just be themselves at all times. The diversity and ideas brought forward by humanity would be truly amazing. What a cool idea!
It is sad to think that I may never see that day. The work I have put into myself over the last couple years has been tremendous, and shedding these layers of socialization has required a lot of self reflection and questioning long held beliefs. It is not easy. It takes a lot of work and a lot of time. You know what makes it all worth it? Seeing young people today. They just get it. They don't have the same fears that I have. They embrace themselves and everyone around them. This makes all of my work worth it. I would hate to be the one that prevents a young person from fully embracing who they are because of MY fears. Society is headed in the right direction, and I would like to contribute to that forward momentum. And it all starts by asking "Why?".