69 weeks since starting HRT. I had been debating whether or not to continue with this blog, and decided that I would like to continue writing for the time being. I had been busy getting my house ready to sell, then Orlando happened and I just did not feel like writing anymore. Now I have decided that I still have plenty of things to write about with regards to my transition.
Last week was Pride Weekend, and I went to SF TransMarch. It did not have the same effect as last year, where I was overpowered with emotion being around so many others who identified as transgender. This year is was much more about seeing friends I have made around the area and enjoying the company of others in a safe space. The whole trans experience just seems so much more normalized now for me, and I am happy that I can be comfortable in all aspects of my life.
I still get misgendered all the time. I don't really care to dress particularly feminine, and I don't wear makeup very often. These probably contribute to that the most. It doesn't really bother me too much anymore though, because I am pretty happy with my gender expression. I would still like to be viewed as female, but my impression of myself is much better than it used to be. Hormones will continue to do their job, and my hair will continue to grow. I hope to start electrolysis again soon, and will continue my voice practice to have it sound a bit more feminine. These should help with my desire to be viewed as female more often. Even if they don't, my opinion of myself and my own expression of femininity is very comfortable and is not hampered by other people's opinions. I am optimistic at how far I have come at this point in my transition.
On the surgery front, there are really only two things I am still considering. Sexual reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. For both I have decided to wait until 3 years on HRT to make a decision. As far as SRS, I feel more and more like I won't need this. As I have become more comfortable with my body, I feel much less anxiety with regards to the genitalia I was born with. I actually have started to really enjoy it! Ever since the orchiectomy, my libido has actually increased and sensation is much more apparent. I decided that SRS would only be a viable option if I lose the ability to achieve an erection, and so far that does not seem to be happening. This is both surprising to me and exciting, because the procedure is very invasive and the recovery is very tedious. As far as breast augmentation, I am disappointed in my breast development. They have not developed well at all, and are barely noticeable if I do not wear a shirt. I figure 3 years will be a good determinant of whether I am happy with them or not. It does not have to do so much with the size, more of the shape and fullness. Even if I have little a cups, I really just want to have noticeable breasts. Patience is key to making it to that 3 year point, it has been easy to be frustrated with the time it takes for the hormones to work their magic.
Today I also started an anti-depressant regimen. It is a medication called Sertraline, and it has very few side effects. This was a difficult decision for me to start this, because I try to avoid medications as much as possible. I am just so tired of the depressive states where I shut down, especially with how comfortable I am now in my own skin. These states of depression keep me from maintaining healthy habits that I know will make my anxiety much more manageable, such as running, meditating, and eating healthy and consistently. My hope is that this medication will allow me to maintain these actions with more consistency, so that my anxiety will be more manageable. I am excited to be finally addressing what I consider the last thing really holding back my full potential. It takes a couple months to start to notice the beneficial effects of the medication, so patience is once again a key component. At least I feel like I am on the right track!
Last week was Pride Weekend, and I went to SF TransMarch. It did not have the same effect as last year, where I was overpowered with emotion being around so many others who identified as transgender. This year is was much more about seeing friends I have made around the area and enjoying the company of others in a safe space. The whole trans experience just seems so much more normalized now for me, and I am happy that I can be comfortable in all aspects of my life.
I still get misgendered all the time. I don't really care to dress particularly feminine, and I don't wear makeup very often. These probably contribute to that the most. It doesn't really bother me too much anymore though, because I am pretty happy with my gender expression. I would still like to be viewed as female, but my impression of myself is much better than it used to be. Hormones will continue to do their job, and my hair will continue to grow. I hope to start electrolysis again soon, and will continue my voice practice to have it sound a bit more feminine. These should help with my desire to be viewed as female more often. Even if they don't, my opinion of myself and my own expression of femininity is very comfortable and is not hampered by other people's opinions. I am optimistic at how far I have come at this point in my transition.
On the surgery front, there are really only two things I am still considering. Sexual reassignment surgery and breast augmentation. For both I have decided to wait until 3 years on HRT to make a decision. As far as SRS, I feel more and more like I won't need this. As I have become more comfortable with my body, I feel much less anxiety with regards to the genitalia I was born with. I actually have started to really enjoy it! Ever since the orchiectomy, my libido has actually increased and sensation is much more apparent. I decided that SRS would only be a viable option if I lose the ability to achieve an erection, and so far that does not seem to be happening. This is both surprising to me and exciting, because the procedure is very invasive and the recovery is very tedious. As far as breast augmentation, I am disappointed in my breast development. They have not developed well at all, and are barely noticeable if I do not wear a shirt. I figure 3 years will be a good determinant of whether I am happy with them or not. It does not have to do so much with the size, more of the shape and fullness. Even if I have little a cups, I really just want to have noticeable breasts. Patience is key to making it to that 3 year point, it has been easy to be frustrated with the time it takes for the hormones to work their magic.
Today I also started an anti-depressant regimen. It is a medication called Sertraline, and it has very few side effects. This was a difficult decision for me to start this, because I try to avoid medications as much as possible. I am just so tired of the depressive states where I shut down, especially with how comfortable I am now in my own skin. These states of depression keep me from maintaining healthy habits that I know will make my anxiety much more manageable, such as running, meditating, and eating healthy and consistently. My hope is that this medication will allow me to maintain these actions with more consistency, so that my anxiety will be more manageable. I am excited to be finally addressing what I consider the last thing really holding back my full potential. It takes a couple months to start to notice the beneficial effects of the medication, so patience is once again a key component. At least I feel like I am on the right track!