76 weeks since starting HRT. The last couple of weeks have been great! I am on a short break from school, I took a vacation with some friends, I have been running and doing yoga a bit more consistently, and overall I have just been motivated and happy. I got a new haircut and a couple new ear piercings, and I really like them. I feel a newfound comfort in my appearance and how the world perceives me. There is very little fear anymore in social settings, and I think I have reached a level of comfort that surpasses how I felt in the same situations prior to transitioning. As I interact with new people, I feel much more open and receptive than ever before, and I attribute this to my acceptance of myself. It was not easy to begin this process, and I didn't totally understand everything that would happen. This has caused a persistent level of doubt to sink in over the last year. Am I doing the right thing? Is this actually going to work for me? I have now reached a point where I can say conclusively that yes, this has worked for me. There is no more doubt present. Transition was necessary for me, and I am fortunate that I had access to the medications I needed and that science has progressed to this point to provide these medications to me.
One interesting aspect of the transition process has been learning about my new body. New limitations from loss of muscle mass has been interesting, but relatively minor. I do not think I am perceived as a woman by people most of the time, and I tend to be oblivious to how people react to me, so I can't say for certain that I am treated any differently, but this may change with time. More exciting is the heightened sensations that I experience. Each of the 5 senses have increased in sensitivity, drastically altering my interaction with the world. The most impressive change has been with regards to sex. This will be much more personal than information I have shared previously, but has been probably the most significant change in my own transition. Because of this, I want to share my observations and perceptions.
Sex has always been conflicting for me. I was very genital-centered in my feelings towards sex, and always had a level of anxiety present that kept me from feeling sensations from my genital area. I had a huge sex drive, and believed that I needed to ejaculate for sex to feel good. This goal-oriented approach to sex limited my ability to be mindful in the moment and really enjoy all of the other aspects of the sexual experience. Even under the rare circumstance that I did reach climax, it was unfulfilling and left me feeling like something was missing. I did enjoy seeing the other person reach climax, and observed how extreme and pleasurable it seemed. I wanted that feeling so badly, but could never obtain it.
Just prior to starting HRT, I discovered a new type of orgasm. Rather than a quick, genital-centric feeling of pleasure that would end with ejaculation, I had a very intense sensation throughout my whole body. This did not result in ejaculation, which ensured it lasted much longer and was much more intense. As my transition progressed and my sensations were subsequently heightened, this new type of orgasm became much more frequent and I have been able to enjoy all of the different levels of pleasure that came with it. I can even reach this state just by focusing my awareness on a specific sensation, such as a touch, scent, or sound, without another person present. I realize now that this was a significant part of the sexual experience that I was missing, and I thought that if I could somehow combine this new orgasm with the genital stimulation, I would finally experience the full gratification of the blending of the two orgasms.
I have slowly been experimenting with lowering my anxiety around my genitals. I now notice sensation in that area that I didn't notice prior. It feels good, but it has still been difficult to overcome the anxiety around it and completely bring awareness to the moment. With time and practice, I felt like I could overcome this anxiety and really appreciate the sensations present in that area. Now a new dilemma has come up, I am no longer able to maintain an erection. This has brought about a sort of existential crisis. What do I do now? Will I be able to get rid of this anxiety? Will the fact that I have a penis be too much for me to really achieve full sexual gratification? Do I even need to bother, as this new orgasm feels pretty awesome by itself? Will having a vagina eliminate the anxiety to the point of enjoying sex more fully? Do I pursue pills to help me keep my erection to continue my battle towards eliminating my genital anxiety? Or do I pursue SRS and eliminate the source of anxiety altogether? These are very tough questions that I do not know the answer to.
SRS is very invasive, and requires about 6 months of 3 times a day doing dilations. Each period lasts about an hour, and requires painful insertion of metal rods of various sizes to keep the new vaginal cavity from collapsing on itself. My trigger point for pursuing SRS was if I could no longer maintain an erection, so now this becomes a serious option. I do feel like in the long run this would solve my anxiety problem. I see very few issues arising after the recovery period is complete, and I do think my quality of life would be improved by having this procedure done. My hesitation arises from the recovery itself. I have finally reached a point where I am not isolating myself, and I have new goals getting me out of the house and into the world. Do I willingly shut myself in for another 6 months? I don't think I can handle another 6 months of limiting myself. The world is out there for me to experience, and I become very unhappy when I limit myself.
I could also just change my priorities with regards to sex. I know that genitals do not correlate with gender, so having a penis is not an issue with me. I could set sexual boundaries with regards to my genital area, which would eliminate the sexual anxiety. This new orgasm feels amazing on its own, and it may be that I just need to appreciate this and explore other areas of sexual pleasure that are not so genital-centric. I am also motivated and desire pursuing my new goals with regards to work, school, and fitness. My concern with this option is that I do not know if I will continue to regret not having SRS done. This is a tough call, because I am certain that I would not have regrets if I had the procedure done. Therein lies the issue... regrets. I want to live my life without regrets. I have held myself back for so long, and I no longer desire to do this.
For the time being, I think I will hold off on pursuing SRS. The VA will probably change their policy to cover this procedure over the next couple of years, and it makes the most financial sense to wait for this to happen. I also want to further explore my new role as a woman, and what that actually means to me. As I have started running again, I want to see what I am capable of and if I could actually be competitive. If I prove to be competitive, this would provide an excellent platform to share my experiences and show the world how awesome trans people are. Focusing on school will continue to provide me with new ideas and skills that will prove to be useful in whatever career path I decide to pursue. My current job gives me great experience as a manager and leader, and allows me the opportunity to use these skills to give to the community in a way that I think is beneficial. I want to focus on these areas, and having SRS done right now would inhibit my growth in these areas. I really hope that I am making the right choice.
One interesting aspect of the transition process has been learning about my new body. New limitations from loss of muscle mass has been interesting, but relatively minor. I do not think I am perceived as a woman by people most of the time, and I tend to be oblivious to how people react to me, so I can't say for certain that I am treated any differently, but this may change with time. More exciting is the heightened sensations that I experience. Each of the 5 senses have increased in sensitivity, drastically altering my interaction with the world. The most impressive change has been with regards to sex. This will be much more personal than information I have shared previously, but has been probably the most significant change in my own transition. Because of this, I want to share my observations and perceptions.
Sex has always been conflicting for me. I was very genital-centered in my feelings towards sex, and always had a level of anxiety present that kept me from feeling sensations from my genital area. I had a huge sex drive, and believed that I needed to ejaculate for sex to feel good. This goal-oriented approach to sex limited my ability to be mindful in the moment and really enjoy all of the other aspects of the sexual experience. Even under the rare circumstance that I did reach climax, it was unfulfilling and left me feeling like something was missing. I did enjoy seeing the other person reach climax, and observed how extreme and pleasurable it seemed. I wanted that feeling so badly, but could never obtain it.
Just prior to starting HRT, I discovered a new type of orgasm. Rather than a quick, genital-centric feeling of pleasure that would end with ejaculation, I had a very intense sensation throughout my whole body. This did not result in ejaculation, which ensured it lasted much longer and was much more intense. As my transition progressed and my sensations were subsequently heightened, this new type of orgasm became much more frequent and I have been able to enjoy all of the different levels of pleasure that came with it. I can even reach this state just by focusing my awareness on a specific sensation, such as a touch, scent, or sound, without another person present. I realize now that this was a significant part of the sexual experience that I was missing, and I thought that if I could somehow combine this new orgasm with the genital stimulation, I would finally experience the full gratification of the blending of the two orgasms.
I have slowly been experimenting with lowering my anxiety around my genitals. I now notice sensation in that area that I didn't notice prior. It feels good, but it has still been difficult to overcome the anxiety around it and completely bring awareness to the moment. With time and practice, I felt like I could overcome this anxiety and really appreciate the sensations present in that area. Now a new dilemma has come up, I am no longer able to maintain an erection. This has brought about a sort of existential crisis. What do I do now? Will I be able to get rid of this anxiety? Will the fact that I have a penis be too much for me to really achieve full sexual gratification? Do I even need to bother, as this new orgasm feels pretty awesome by itself? Will having a vagina eliminate the anxiety to the point of enjoying sex more fully? Do I pursue pills to help me keep my erection to continue my battle towards eliminating my genital anxiety? Or do I pursue SRS and eliminate the source of anxiety altogether? These are very tough questions that I do not know the answer to.
SRS is very invasive, and requires about 6 months of 3 times a day doing dilations. Each period lasts about an hour, and requires painful insertion of metal rods of various sizes to keep the new vaginal cavity from collapsing on itself. My trigger point for pursuing SRS was if I could no longer maintain an erection, so now this becomes a serious option. I do feel like in the long run this would solve my anxiety problem. I see very few issues arising after the recovery period is complete, and I do think my quality of life would be improved by having this procedure done. My hesitation arises from the recovery itself. I have finally reached a point where I am not isolating myself, and I have new goals getting me out of the house and into the world. Do I willingly shut myself in for another 6 months? I don't think I can handle another 6 months of limiting myself. The world is out there for me to experience, and I become very unhappy when I limit myself.
I could also just change my priorities with regards to sex. I know that genitals do not correlate with gender, so having a penis is not an issue with me. I could set sexual boundaries with regards to my genital area, which would eliminate the sexual anxiety. This new orgasm feels amazing on its own, and it may be that I just need to appreciate this and explore other areas of sexual pleasure that are not so genital-centric. I am also motivated and desire pursuing my new goals with regards to work, school, and fitness. My concern with this option is that I do not know if I will continue to regret not having SRS done. This is a tough call, because I am certain that I would not have regrets if I had the procedure done. Therein lies the issue... regrets. I want to live my life without regrets. I have held myself back for so long, and I no longer desire to do this.
For the time being, I think I will hold off on pursuing SRS. The VA will probably change their policy to cover this procedure over the next couple of years, and it makes the most financial sense to wait for this to happen. I also want to further explore my new role as a woman, and what that actually means to me. As I have started running again, I want to see what I am capable of and if I could actually be competitive. If I prove to be competitive, this would provide an excellent platform to share my experiences and show the world how awesome trans people are. Focusing on school will continue to provide me with new ideas and skills that will prove to be useful in whatever career path I decide to pursue. My current job gives me great experience as a manager and leader, and allows me the opportunity to use these skills to give to the community in a way that I think is beneficial. I want to focus on these areas, and having SRS done right now would inhibit my growth in these areas. I really hope that I am making the right choice.