78 weeks since starting HRT. I had an interesting epiphany the other day. I was shopping online for new bras, and I realized that I haven't measured myself in a long time. I got out the tape measure, and found out that I am a 34A. I was shocked! A 34 band size? That can't be right. I measured again and got the same result. To me, that seemed so tiny. When I look in the mirror, I do not see a 34 inch chest. But the numbers don't lie. The only logical conclusion is that my perception differs from reality. After pondering where the 4 inches that I lost on my chest went (a useless expenditure of mental energy, because I don't understand what the hell is going on with my body), I started thinking about what else my perceptions are lying to me about. The more I thought about it and researched, the more I found out how much of what I perceive is an illusion.
We take in so many messages and signals throughout our lives that form our beliefs regarding the world around us. Using these preconceived beliefs, our mind subconsciously attempts to make sense of what we see. This tends to make subtle changes to our perceptions, to fall more in line with what our beliefs tell us to be true. I have noticed that as I have challenged these beliefs and stayed open to a difference in views, the world around me has changed as well. Not the physical reality of the world around me, but how I perceive it. There is this idea that the world is what we make, that our perceptions form reality. I challenge this idea, because this seems to be a very closed-minded idea that keeps us from acknowledging what is actually going on.
Here is an interesting example. As I started my transition, I felt like a total dude. The epitome of masculinity, hiding a secret that nobody had any clue about. The surprise that others expressed as I was coming out to them validated this idea. Interestingly, over the last year and a half, I have slowly shifted my beliefs about femininity and what it actually means to be a woman. I fought the urge to conform to the binary view of what a woman is because it did not feel right, it felt just as fake as trying to be a guy. But I knew I was a girl, so my beliefs ended up changing. I don't think I have changed very much physically, just slight changes from the effects of HRT. I don't think my mannerisms or voice have changed too much. I still dress pretty much the same as always. My own transition has been more about changing my beliefs, which in turn have changed my perceptions.
Where once I thought I was a total dude, now I look back and I wonder how nobody could tell I was a girl. I feel like everything about myself screams girl, and it trips me out that other people don't see that. My mind has completely opened up to a much broader idea of what makes men and women. A couple things are still present that cause a dissonance between my perception of myself and who I really am, such as facial hair and breast size. I do not think I will be able to accept facial hair, and will continue to experience this dissonance so long as it continues to grow. The more I see women with small breasts though, the more my belief with that regard continues to change. Everything else about me is woman. If the goal of transitioning is to alleviate the dissonance between my gender identity and how I see myself, I feel like I am mostly done. There really isn't anything left to do. Transition complete, mission successful! The coolest thing about this is that my body is still changing, and every little change is definitely welcome. But as for right now, I am content and happy.
It is almost like the world I was seeing was an illusion, a veil covering my eyes showing me something that wasn't quite right. That veil is slowly being lifted, and it is like an overwhelming influx of new sensations and information coming in, and my brain is trying to process all of it. I find it super interesting how our brains work in this way. So what does this all mean for me? I will continue electrolysis to remove the unwanted facial hair. I have decided to hold off on top surgery for the time being, to see if that dissonance will resolve itself as my perceptions continue to change. I have also decided not to pursue vaginoplasty as well.
The association of vaginas with women has been a tough concept to grasp. It just seemed like part of the process, that trans women did not like their penis so they would have surgery to flip it inside out and create a vagina. This makes sense, because just like my dissonance with facial hair it is difficult to associate being a woman with having a penis. I have never felt that dissonance with my penis though. This was extremely confusing, and there was very little positive representation of women having a penis to relate to. More recently I have been reading stories by women who enjoy and love their penis. This has been such a huge relief, and has allowed me to enjoy and love my own penis. Because it is a woman's penis. I call it my girl cock lol. So instead of focusing my energy on changing it, I decided to embrace it and love it! This has caused a lot of new information and sensations to be realized, and new ways of enjoying my girl cock. There are a lot of great resources that I am finding as well that allow me to further explore ways of enjoying my girl cock, because there are other women out there who are doing the same. It is amazing what positive representation can do for a person's perceptions!
The final big change over the last couple weeks that I have been pondering has been with regards to my name. I like Robyn, I love my name. But I have always loved nicknames as well, to shorten and make one syllable nicknames. Just a weird little trait about myself. So I think of the shortened version of Robyn, which would be Rob. I used to go by Rob all of the time, and never had a problem with it. Starting transition, I have asked people not to use it because it was associated with maleness. How many women go by Rob? As my views have changed, I no longer view being called Rob as associating with being a guy. Because I am a woman, being called Rob obviously is associated with women as well. So I decided that being called Rob is okay with me. I still prefer she/her or they/them pronouns, but I don't have any problems being called Rob, and actually like it.
I guess what everything happening has taught me is to stay open to new ideas and new ways of living life. What a person says about their perceptions is true and valid for them, even though it may conflict with my own views and beliefs. Instead of questioning their views and getting defensive, listening and staying open to new ideas can contribute to a new, exciting way of viewing the world. As more and more ideas and perceptions are added to my own, that veil of illusion is lifted more and more to reveal reality, and provides a deeper insight into compassion and connection with the rest of humanity and the world we live in. Fucking awesome!
We take in so many messages and signals throughout our lives that form our beliefs regarding the world around us. Using these preconceived beliefs, our mind subconsciously attempts to make sense of what we see. This tends to make subtle changes to our perceptions, to fall more in line with what our beliefs tell us to be true. I have noticed that as I have challenged these beliefs and stayed open to a difference in views, the world around me has changed as well. Not the physical reality of the world around me, but how I perceive it. There is this idea that the world is what we make, that our perceptions form reality. I challenge this idea, because this seems to be a very closed-minded idea that keeps us from acknowledging what is actually going on.
Here is an interesting example. As I started my transition, I felt like a total dude. The epitome of masculinity, hiding a secret that nobody had any clue about. The surprise that others expressed as I was coming out to them validated this idea. Interestingly, over the last year and a half, I have slowly shifted my beliefs about femininity and what it actually means to be a woman. I fought the urge to conform to the binary view of what a woman is because it did not feel right, it felt just as fake as trying to be a guy. But I knew I was a girl, so my beliefs ended up changing. I don't think I have changed very much physically, just slight changes from the effects of HRT. I don't think my mannerisms or voice have changed too much. I still dress pretty much the same as always. My own transition has been more about changing my beliefs, which in turn have changed my perceptions.
Where once I thought I was a total dude, now I look back and I wonder how nobody could tell I was a girl. I feel like everything about myself screams girl, and it trips me out that other people don't see that. My mind has completely opened up to a much broader idea of what makes men and women. A couple things are still present that cause a dissonance between my perception of myself and who I really am, such as facial hair and breast size. I do not think I will be able to accept facial hair, and will continue to experience this dissonance so long as it continues to grow. The more I see women with small breasts though, the more my belief with that regard continues to change. Everything else about me is woman. If the goal of transitioning is to alleviate the dissonance between my gender identity and how I see myself, I feel like I am mostly done. There really isn't anything left to do. Transition complete, mission successful! The coolest thing about this is that my body is still changing, and every little change is definitely welcome. But as for right now, I am content and happy.
It is almost like the world I was seeing was an illusion, a veil covering my eyes showing me something that wasn't quite right. That veil is slowly being lifted, and it is like an overwhelming influx of new sensations and information coming in, and my brain is trying to process all of it. I find it super interesting how our brains work in this way. So what does this all mean for me? I will continue electrolysis to remove the unwanted facial hair. I have decided to hold off on top surgery for the time being, to see if that dissonance will resolve itself as my perceptions continue to change. I have also decided not to pursue vaginoplasty as well.
The association of vaginas with women has been a tough concept to grasp. It just seemed like part of the process, that trans women did not like their penis so they would have surgery to flip it inside out and create a vagina. This makes sense, because just like my dissonance with facial hair it is difficult to associate being a woman with having a penis. I have never felt that dissonance with my penis though. This was extremely confusing, and there was very little positive representation of women having a penis to relate to. More recently I have been reading stories by women who enjoy and love their penis. This has been such a huge relief, and has allowed me to enjoy and love my own penis. Because it is a woman's penis. I call it my girl cock lol. So instead of focusing my energy on changing it, I decided to embrace it and love it! This has caused a lot of new information and sensations to be realized, and new ways of enjoying my girl cock. There are a lot of great resources that I am finding as well that allow me to further explore ways of enjoying my girl cock, because there are other women out there who are doing the same. It is amazing what positive representation can do for a person's perceptions!
The final big change over the last couple weeks that I have been pondering has been with regards to my name. I like Robyn, I love my name. But I have always loved nicknames as well, to shorten and make one syllable nicknames. Just a weird little trait about myself. So I think of the shortened version of Robyn, which would be Rob. I used to go by Rob all of the time, and never had a problem with it. Starting transition, I have asked people not to use it because it was associated with maleness. How many women go by Rob? As my views have changed, I no longer view being called Rob as associating with being a guy. Because I am a woman, being called Rob obviously is associated with women as well. So I decided that being called Rob is okay with me. I still prefer she/her or they/them pronouns, but I don't have any problems being called Rob, and actually like it.
I guess what everything happening has taught me is to stay open to new ideas and new ways of living life. What a person says about their perceptions is true and valid for them, even though it may conflict with my own views and beliefs. Instead of questioning their views and getting defensive, listening and staying open to new ideas can contribute to a new, exciting way of viewing the world. As more and more ideas and perceptions are added to my own, that veil of illusion is lifted more and more to reveal reality, and provides a deeper insight into compassion and connection with the rest of humanity and the world we live in. Fucking awesome!